Contraception? I’ve tried them all, and, to be honest, some worked well… but some didn’t and I’ve got children to prove it.
I remember the first time I was pregnant – accidental and two forms of contraception didn’t work – I was thrilled as suddenly I didn’t have to use contraception or worry about getting pregnant.
‘Cos I already was.
These days I don’t need contraception either, thanks to my marvellous menopause. It may have made me much more susceptible to actual anxiety, but my periods have stopped.
You beauty! I haven’t had one for two or three years and I couldn’t be more delighted.
My beloved husband did have a vasectomy a few years before actually. So there was no need for contraception … unless I’d had an affair with some other bloke. Which I didn’t, I must admit.
But even if I did have an affair one day, I still wouldn’t need to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. Relief.
Here are the five contraceptives I am so glad not to ever have to use again…..
When I started using this my friend Jane said I’d hate ‘the sensation of trifle dribbling down your leg.’ And she was right. The combination of semen and contraceptive jelly is not pleasant at all when combined with gravity: shudder.
Jane also asked: ‘Aren’t you worried that by the time you’ve got it in, the prospective man will have escaped.’
No Jane, I wasn’t… all my boyfriends would have waited for hours for me to slide that little cap into place. Some did.
Well, you have to remember to have them to hand… or your fella does. And they leave a nasty taste behind, should you be warming up for a second moment of passion. Those were the days.
They’re just not reliable… they split, they disappear off to remote locations…. After the first failure of a condom (son number one) we never used them again. Whew.
The Morning After Pill
Well, it also doesn’t always work. Trust me I know. Mind you, it’s always best to take it the morning after, not the morning after the morning after. Or so I learned.
Also, strong hormones disrupting your body… not as much as a pregnancy does, mind you.
Oh dear, oh yes. I used a coil between each of my three pregnancies and then for five years afterwards. Thy actually weren’t too bad once they were in the right place. It was just the getting them in and out that created mayhem.
You see, it turns out that my cervix is deep within and slightly to the right. Too much information?
Getting the blessed coil through and into the womb was PAINFUL… ouch… squirming at the memories.
Getting one out was much worse though. I thought I hadn’t managed to feel the little cord that should be through the cervix. It had whipped back through and was hiding.
‘I’ll need to use the fishing rod,’ said the kindly gynae, whom I loved for his nice warm hands.
Worse still, I had a hyperactive two and a half year old in the room with me whilst it was removed by the fishing-rod-through-the-cervix method.
I can’t believe I ever had sex again. Having babies was pain free by comparison. Just kidding.
Sit Up and Cough
Handy when you have no contraception around and you just can’t help yourself. However, this contraception is not recommended although I have to say it was 100% effective for me on the few occasions I tried it. Thank goodness.
What about the pill? I didn’t use it much, to be honest. If I was a young girl now, I might try those three-month rods….
What about you?
What contraceptives have you loved and loathed?
Ha ha, the memories!
0 thoughts on “Five Contraceptives I’m Thrilled To Never Use Again”
I’ve just gone back on the pill after 5 years of pregnancy and breastfeeding – it’s bloody annoying and I’ve already forgotten to take it twice! My favourite was the depo provera injection you get once every 3 months – no periods at all!!
Yes, that’s the problem with the pill, you have to remember to take it every day… and to find a safe place where you can keep it that’s safe from children’s investigations… which means it has to be away somewhere to keep them safe but then it’s harder to remember to take it. Good luck!
The rod lasts years, the injection three months! I must say you gave me a laugh with the descriptions! I’m considering going back on the pill soon 🙂
Aha, then it’d be the rod for me, but it’s all over Red Rover. Hooray!
Contraception, what a bloody pain in the arse! But I guess it’s better than the alternative, or not having access to it all like back ye olden days. When I was 20 and started seeing Dave I went on the pill for contraception and to also try and lighten up my periods (which it did), and I stayed on it until I was 28 and we started trying for Punky. It wasn’t until I went off the pill that I realised how much it had been affecting me, most notably my libido. It seems I’m one of the women for whom the pill basically kills their sex drive. I was like a maniac when I finally went off it, and once I realised what it was doing to me (I didn’t realise how bad my mood swings had gotten until I cam off it too) I vowed never to use it again. We used condoms after I had Punky, and Zee showing up 19 months late is a really good example of effective that was! We are back to the condoms now because I really don’t want to use any contraceptive that involves hormones or having something implanted/injection, but now that we have decided that we are definitely done having kids Dave is going to book himself in for a vasectomy. I wasn’t sure he’d be keen on the idea when I bought it up but he jumped at it, excited about not having to use condoms anymore, but he also said that I’d taken the pill all those years, it was the least he could do to take over the responsibility now. Still waiting for him to book it in though, lol!
I have never heard of sit up and cough! Don’t think I will be trying that one!
I had a hysterectomy 4 years ago, BEST. THING. EVER.
I don’t have to worry about contraception anymore either. I couldn’t take the pill because of my migraines, so I used the mini pill for a while and condoms every now and then. It was pretty hard for us to get pregnant, so we didn’t worry about contraception too much 🙂 #teamIBOT
This is really bad to say out in the open air seeing I probably do not want children but I have not been on contraception for over 15 years. I use the old fashioned rhythm method because I had SUCH a bad reaction to all the hormones of the above mentioned methods. Never been preggers. Having a husband awaiting a hip replacement is also pretty effective….
Trifle- LOL. Glad I never tried a diaphragm! I am currently into my 3rd year of a mirena which, apart from the first six months of CONTINUAL bleeding or spotting, has been great. My period has gone except for a few light reappearances every few months and no pill to remember or become completely crazy on. I’m slightly worried about getting it out- putting it in was bad enough but you’ve got me crapping my dacks after that coil episode!!
I have been advised by the doctor to go off the reliable old pill due to increased risks of blood clotting. Must say, everything else terrifies me a little. I think I best get my man to “man up”.